The topic of friendship is one that comes up time and time again in my counseling sessions. Friendship is something we all want, yet seems to be increasingly difficult in our culture. Even research backs up these experiential findings with clients.

Although this is the “most connected” time in history with regard to technology and social media, this generation of young people is becoming widely known as the loneliest generation ever.

According to author Jonathan Haidt, “The Great Rewiring of childhood has led to a generation that is more anxious, more depressed, and more lonely.” Because we are created and wired for connection, we all long for deep, healthy friendships, yet can find them elusive and difficult to create in our own lives. This is a look at some of the challenges or barriers to friendship, the truths about friendship, and some tips for cultivating healthy friendships.

Idealizing Friendships is Detrimental

Because friendship is so important to us, it can be easy to have an idealized picture of what it looks like. Then, when it gets hard, we can be hurt, disappointed, and want to run from the friendship. It is important to have realistic expectations in friendship. People are imperfect and will disappoint us. And, we will do the same. Thus, we need to have a posture to bear with one another and offer grace, just as we will need grace extended to us when we fall short.

Relatedly, we need to expect and be equipped to work through conflict. The mark of a healthy relationship is not the absence of conflict. Conflict is inevitable at times in close relationships. Thus, a mark of a healthy friendship is one that can withstand and repair from conflict. This may include having difficult conversations in a gentle way, taking ownership and apologizing, and also forgiving one another.

Lonely Seasons

There are some seasons of life that more naturally lend themselves to making friends. The reverse can be true as well. Life transitions, such as moves or entering a new stage of life, can feel lonely—for example, leaving behind high school friends to go to college, leaving college and all the social opportunities to enter the working world, becoming a new mom, or when your children leave the house, which reduces the natural social connections with other parents.

Loneliness can be an extremely painful feeling. It needs to be acknowledged and tended to. However, beautiful things can also be birthed in our lonely seasons. It may help us to see others who are lonely and extend kindness to them. It may help us to check where we are placing our identity or security. Or, it may help us to grow in what it means to be a good friend.

Grief and Loss in Friendships

Perhaps the loneliness comes from hardship in friendship, whether due to losing a friend from a move, a death, or a falling out. Our culture doesn’t acknowledge the loss of friendship in the same way it acknowledges other relational losses. We have names for ‘divorce’ or a ‘breakup’ that speak to the significance of that relationship loss. We don’t have a name for the loss of a friendship, yet it can be extremely painful and sorrowful.

If we’ve been hurt by a friend, our protective move is often to isolate ourselves to avoid the risk of that pain again. It feels too vulnerable to trust others again. While that may feel safer, it will lead to a disconnected and lonely life. It is important to remember that hard is a part of friendship. There is a cost to friendship. But it is worth it for our growth and our good.

So, what do we do? Jonathan Haidt asserts that “human beings need in-person interaction the way we need food and water.” If human connection is as important as it sounds, how do we move toward connection? First off, remember that loneliness is not a personal failure. It is a common experience due to a broader cultural shift. But there are some things you can do.

Being the New Person

It takes a lot of courage to enter a new group. We’ve all had the adult experiences of being in a new environment, and it shoots us back in our minds to middle school again, in the lunch room, when we don’t know where to sit or who to talk to. Some tips for navigating that uncomfortable feeling:

Have a few simple and curious questions in mind before you arrive that you can easily access. Showing genuine curiosity in others is inviting and connecting.
Try to focus outward instead of inward. There’s likely someone else there who feels the same. Try to find them and ask yourself, ‘how can I be blessing to them?’
Re-frame: “I feel awkward” to “I’m trying something new” or “I’m being brave”.
Remember, we’re all just people looking for a place to belong.
Go more than once. It will take several tries to feel more familiar and comfortable.

Practical Tips for Cultivating Genuine Friendships in Your Life

Prioritize one or two deeper relationships over many shallow ones.
Limit social media time—this can create the illusion that we are connected to people, yet inhibits actual connection.
Increase in person time in small increments – 20 minutes per day, or an hour per week.
Create phone-free spaces
Practice relational skills, such as vulnerability
Build tolerance for social discomfort
Take a risk – look for people who are naturally in your life (work, church, or fellow parents). Identify someone you would like to get to know better. Take a risk to invite them to coffee, on a walk, or to an activity you find mutually enjoyable.
When having coffee or dinner with a new group or person, set a goal to learn something new about them. Afterward, ask yourself: ‘did I come away knowing something new about this person?’

You’re not Alone

If you resonate with any of these experiences or need support navigating loneliness, challenging friendships, or are grieving the loss of a friendship, please know that you are not alone. We would be happy to come alongside you to offer understanding, compassion, and hope. It may require processing old wounds that have held you back in friendship, false beliefs or narratives you carry that hinder connecting with others, or just encouragement to nurture the feelings of loneliness, and then to set intentions to look outward and take steps toward cultivating friendship with others. Though it may take some work and healing, seeking healthy friendships is a worthy endeavor, as we are meant to live life in connection with others.

Written by Novo Therapist: Lindsay Regan, LMHCA

Longing to Belong: Navigating Loneliness and Building Friendship