Signs of Insecure Attachment & How to Begin Healing
What is the most important thing to look for in a relationship? Secure attachment is definitely at the top of the list!
Love isn’t about feeling like you “can’t live without” someone. The early spark of infatuation doesn’t last forever—and if it feels impossible to function without your partner, it may point to codependency or an insecure attachment. Real love is built through effort, resilience, and the commitment to nurture a secure bond over time.
If you have an insecure attachment style, know there is hope. Your attachment styles are not permanent, and you can work towards fostering secure attachment.
Continue reading for warning signs that will help you recognize insecure attachment, as well as gentle, practical steps to move you toward secure attachment.
Signs of insecure attachment:
Avoiding certain people or problems when conflict arises (avoidant)
Refraining from getting too close to someone (avoidant)
Needing to be reassured constantly in the relationship (anxious)
Being clingy to one or two specific people (anxious)
Caretaking for someone else when that is not your role (codependency)
Frequent mood swings in your emotions toward someone (disorganized)
5 ways to move toward secure attachment:
Have vulnerable conversations. It is important to get comfortable having honest conversations with loved ones where you can openly share your thoughts and feelings. Try discussing your attachment style with your partner and express your desire to prioritize secure relationships. Any vulnerable conversation is a step in the right direction.
Individually work on your self-esteem. Insecure attachments often reveal how we think about ourselves individually. Try to identify lies you are believing about yourself and then combat those lies with truth. You are not a burden. You do not have to have it all together. You are loved no matter what.
Voice your needs. Regardless of the type of insecure attachment style you may have, it is always beneficial to express your needs in a healthy manner. When you feel heard and understood, you will begin to feel more at peace in your relationship.
See a counselor. Attachment styles are often rooted in our upbringing, parental relationships, or deeper internal conflicts that we are experiencing. Working with a trained professional can help you navigate these issues and work towards self-improvement. Many counselors draw upon attachment theory to guide their therapy sessions.
Surround yourself with people who have secure attachments. These people could be your significant other, friends, family members, or coworkers. Find safe relationships and prioritize spending time with those who are trustworthy.
Signs of secure attachment:
Use these signs to check your progress or see if you already exhibit some qualities of secure attachment.
Balance of relying on other people and meeting your own needs
Comfortable with vulnerability
Comfortable with addressing and resolving conflict
A deep trust in the other person and in your relationship
Having healthy boundaries and respecting others’ boundaries
High self-worth and self-confidence
Reflecting on your own attachment style and working towards greater security in your relationships can help you lead a more peaceful and well-balanced life. Not only do our attachment styles play a significant role in the way we interact with others, but they also influence how we regulate our emotions and perceive ourselves.
You may be wondering: How can you know what your attachment style is?
Take this quiz at Howwelove.com to self-reflect and discover what attachment style you might have. Even better, read How We Love by Milan & Kay Yerkovich to learn more about attachment styles and how they might be influencing your relationships. This book, along with many others (see below) can gently help you heal from past hurts and break unhealthy relationship patterns.
Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin – A helpful guide to understanding your partner’s attachment style in order to better work together to manage conflicts and strengthen your relationship.
Insecure in Love by Leslie Becker-Phelps – A book that emphasizes overcoming your anxious attachment style through compassionate self-awareness.
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie – An honest, gentle reflection on co-dependency and how to begin caring for yourself when you have lost yourself while trying to care for others.
Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend – A guide to regaining control by learning when to say yes and how to say no in order to protect your own heart.
Changes That Heal by Henry Cloud – Biblically rooted guidance on growth, healing, and relationships, from one of the co-authors of boundaries.
The Soul of Shame by Curt Thompson – Written by a Christian psychiatrist, this book explores how shame shapes us and how God’s story of grace can bring restoration.
Boundaries for Your Soul by Alison Cook & Kimberly Miller – A clinically informed and biblically rooted guide to help you take control of your emotions when they feel overwhelming.
Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero – A classic on how spiritual maturity requires emotional health, with practical practices for slowing down, noticing what’s happening inside, and deepening discipleship.
Try Softer by Aundie Kolber – A compassionate invitation to move away from white-knuckling life and instead listen to God and your body with gentleness.