6 Questions to Ask During an Argument with Your Partner
Have you ever been in an argument with your partner and simply asked the wrong questions at the wrong times? This is a common mistake and can either escalate the argument or cause one person to shut down and distance themselves.
Questions are powerful tools that can either make or break a conversation. Asking the right questions can lead to vulnerability, understanding, compassion, and effective change.
Below are suggestions for questions to ask when you and your partner face a disagreement that you want to try and grow through.
3 Questions to Ask Yourself for Self-Reflection
How would I react if I were in the other person’s shoes?
Putting yourself in your partner’s shoes can give you better insight into how they are feeling. You might initially feel they are overreacting to the situation, but then you might think, “If this happened to me, I would be upset too.”
What am I truly feeling right now? How can I clearly voice this?
Sometimes anger or frustration might be masking your true feelings, like hurt or sadness. Ask yourself how you can voice your true feelings, so that your partner knows the emotions driving your response in the moment.
In what ways might gender or personality differences be influencing this argument?
You and your partner are different people, which is a good thing! You were raised in different homes and naturally have different approaches to doing things. How might your individual differences conflict with your partner’s? These differences aren’t something you necessarily need to change, but are important to take into consideration.
3 Questions to Ask Your Partner to Gain Understanding
Has there been something I said or did that hurt you more than I realized?
Understanding how you may have hurt your partner can help compassion grow in you. You might come to realize they were never mad at you, just hurt. By asking this question, you can discover how your words or actions may have caused hurt, and work not to repeat this in the future.
What problem are we working together to solve?
It is essential that couples work together as a team to address a common issue, rather than seeing each other as the problem. Perhaps you are working together to address the problems of “lack of income” or “under-communication.” Whatever the issue may be, have a conversation to address the root cause and work together to solve this problem.
What do you need from me right now and in the future?
This question provides clarity and is a framework for direct change. If your partner needs something from you, it allows them to voice this, and gives you the opportunity to change your behavior accordingly. Feel free to voice your own needs as well. Overcommunication is better than undercommunication!
Arguments are not bad, and when you ask questions like these, you can grow together in your relationship even through moments of tension. You might even come out the other side stronger than when you began. Next time you and your partner disagree, aim to listen, examine your own tendencies and feelings, ask clarifying questions, and be ready to change for the better!